Alternate Realities Suck, Seriously
by sonyat
Summary: Four roommates' lives change forever when the Akatsuki are suddenly dumped into their home one day. With virtually no knowledge of Naruto or how to communicate with them, how will they survive the S-rank criminals? One thing is certain: Akatsuki's sure as hell not being nice about it. Can the roommates endure their wrath long enough to help them find a way back? 2 male OCs!
1. Space-Time Closet Jutsu

**A/N:** I will begin by saying it's been years since I've written anything so please don't be too harsh on me. I enjoy constructive criticism, basically anything that can help improve my writing. I use both English and Japanese translations for jutsu (ie Genryu Kyufujin instead of Phantom Dragons Nine Consuming Seal or Deva Path instead of Tendo Pain) where appropriate. The story will not have many honourifics and absolutely NO Japanese words if they are not relevant. No one will ever say 'kawaii' or 'aishiteru'.

Please note this story is **humor/parody-based**.

**M-rating** is in place for explicit language, alcohol/drug related speech or situations, and violence. Sexual content may or may not occur.

**SPOILERS IMMINENT**** FOR ALL RECENT MANGA CHAPTERS. You have been warned. If you do not know Tobi's identity or anything onwards from there and don't want to find out, I suggest you stop reading. Spoilers for it in the first 1000 words!**

Little legend for anyone who happens to get confused:

"…regular speech…"

_Full italics in sentences _– thinking

_Italics_ – emphasis

**Bold** – Black Zetsu speech

* * *

**Alternate Realities Suck, Seriously**

**It begins with space-time closet jutsu**

* * *

Chakra flowed steadily into the mouth of the Gedo Mazou. Nine pairs of eyes (the tenth really wasn't paying much attention to anything) watched eagerly as the last of the Gobi was drained from its jinchuuriki. They were in the final hour of the extraction and then they would be _free_.

"Pay attention or I will _end_ you," Pain's scathing voice hissed, reverberating off the walls, instantly making Deidara's hologram stop trying to sculpt something with his feet without falling over.

The Genryu Kyufujin was an exceptionally long and boring process that none of the Akatsuki members enjoyed doing at all. Since this was only their second time performing it, Pain was being particularly anal. No one could really blame him for this though, as the first time Orochimaru had been as smarmy a bastard as possible which drove Hidan into such a rage that he'd decided "fuck it", dropped the jutsu, and left the proceedings. All hell broke loose with Kakuzu unable to bring the silver-haired man back without dropping the jutsu as well, Kisame losing his balance on the Mazou's fingertip due to hysterical laughter (as he, Itachi, Orochimaru, and Sasori had been physically present), followed by Pain's crazed screams to pull themselves together. While Sasori had felt a great need to stop channelling his part to go beat Orochimaru senseless for causing such chaos, he was nowhere near that stupid.

Such a disruption nearly caused the destruction of the Nanabi jinchuuriki's body before it had been fully sealed. Pain ended up ordering Orochimaru and Hidan to Amegakure right away where the latter wasn't heard from for three days after he went in for his "reassessment". When Hidan came back he didn't speak for a week straight much to Kakuzu's joy and everyone else's surprise. Nobody had had the balls to ask what happened and the Jashinist never spoke a word of it.

Orochimaru never bothered showing up for his meeting and tried to steal Itachi's body shortly thereafter. The snake bastard got stomped and defected. Deidara was recruited. Kakuzu kept money flowing in. Itachi's eyes didn't worsen. Hidan managed a lot of sacrifices. Zetsu got to clean them up (at least three quarters were chewy). Sasori became entangled in endless debates about art with Deidara. Ame was fully controlled by the God and His Angel and Kisame just kept on trucking. Everything was at an uneasy peace within the organization for a time.

Then the Gobi was captured.

No one wanted a repeat of the Nanabi incident so they were inclined to let Pain's constant barking of orders and threats slide. Most of them were tuning it out. They just needed to keep concentrating and then it would be over. Currently this wasn't the problem though, nor was the long amount of time they were spending on the extraction; it was Tobi.

Tobi, at the base of the statue, was singing very loudly and very out of tune because the Akatsuki "were doing such a good job and he had to do his best as well". This was apparently to keep their moods up. So he continued to sing even though he'd been told to shut up about fifteen times now.

Hidan's hologram groaned loudly. "This is such fucking bullshit! I can't take this fuckery anymo—" The sheer intensity of the Rinnegan glare sent his way silenced him as it had Deidara's shenanigans. Undoubtedly he still remembered his punishment.

"Tobi, be quiet," Pain intoned, glare shifting to the masked man dancing happily to the non-existent tune of his song. He was starting to think the guy actually enjoyed acting like a complete buffoon and annoying them to the fullest extent.

Tobi continued belting out lyrics as if he'd never heard, doing a fantastically gay spin and somersault move to whatever that beat was supposed to be. Audible sighs could be heard.

The leader of the most dangerous S-class ninja in the Shinobi World exhaled through his nose and started counting to ten.

"This should be the last of it." Konan's soft voice carried throughout the cavern.

When Pain felt sufficiently calm, he said, "Brace yourselves. We're finishing."

Finally seriousness permeated the atmosphere. All of the Akatsuki retook an erect, regal stance (for they had been slouching and Kakuzu might have been asleep on his feet, further proven when Hidan's elbow viciously whipped out horizontally). The air burned thick and hot with chakra, almost sparking electrically. An iris and pupil began to form in one of the Gedo Mazou's blank eyes. The final bit of the bijuu left the soon to be dead jinchuuriki's body.

The world seemed to slow down, that small bit of remaining red chakra oozing at a snail's pace towards the statue's mouth.

Quite suddenly something felt terribly wrong; they could all feel it, a horrible disgusting pressure in the chest, the sensation of guts sucking inwards. The world became blurry and fuzzed with static.

Tobi, who had still been dancing, stumbled and caught himself. He dropped the idiot façade immediately. _What is this..?_ Obito looked at his hands, unable to focus through the blurry, staticky vision even with his Sharingan, then back up at the statue. Pain was gone first, shock evident on the Deva Path's face. The sound in his ears was a dull roar becoming louder. _Is this a summoning? That's not possible!_ Vaguely he heard Hidan shouting expletives, the voice of Sasori wondering what went wrong, Deidara asking what happened. Konan shrilly called "Nagato!" and then she was gone along with the rest. Why couldn't he _move_? Could they move?

The ground began to shake and rocks clattered down from the ceiling. The silhouettes atop the Gedo Mazou's fingers were quickly disappearing, the ring signs fizzling out. With alarm, Obito realized he was no longer standing; he hadn't even realized he was on his knees. He felt his Mangekyō Sharingan activate on its own accord. Why was it painful?

Itachi leaped none too gracefully from his perch to dodge a falling rock and phased out midair. Kisame looked to him in wonderment one moment and was missing the next.

Zetsu stared down at Obito, the only one left. White Zetsu's eye was owlishly huge, mouth hanging somewhat open. Was there something Madara hadn't told him? Was this some kind of side effect? What had gone wrong? Would Black Zetsu know? The earth's shaking grew worse, infinitely more violent.

The Gedo Mazou itself was trembling and flickering. Zetsu vanished as the enormous husk shuddered and _screamed_. With acute horror, Obito watched as the eye that had been forming faded out and the last bit of the Gobi's chakra was not swallowed. _No. NO. _That had not just happened. It _couldn't_ have! It would take years for the damn thing to reincarnate! The Gedo Mazou heaved and screamed again, almost disappearing entirely, and it was then the terrible, awful thought occurred to him that the Juubi's near empty body was reverse summoning itself back into the moon, taking the whole of Akatsuki with it.

And he was about to follow.

Weakly, Obito tried to use Kamui, to get away, anywhere that wasn't _here_, but whatever force that was driving this phenomenon was far too powerful.

He belatedly wondered before blacking out, if he had now wasted close to two decades of his life for nothing? Had Tsuki no Me fallen apart? Would he ever get to see _her_ again?

* * *

Life in student housing townhouse 13c had once been normal. Its occupants, for the most part regular university students attending Viehsville University, going to class, working, and doing things twenty-somethings liked to do. This all changed the day they heard an exceptionally loud bang from inside their shared coat closet.

Rick had been writing his foreign languages paper and contemplating dying his drab brown hair glossy black (Maybe it would make him look cooler, girls were into that right?) when he heard it. His heart rate started to climb. Quickly forgetting the dye job, he saved his work and pushed away from his desk, rolling into his doorway on his chair. Peering out into the hallway he saw nothing.

"What the hell…" Rick muttered, moving out into the narrow space, pushing along the wall with his hands to roll his computer chair forward.

Saya was cleaning up sketches from her life drawing class when she heard it. _Somebody broke in, somebody broke in and murdered everyone! _Instantly she thought of the worst possible scenario. Every muscle in her body tensed and her breathing quickened. She crawled on her hands and knees to her door, opening it silently. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears. Sticking her head out into the hall, Saya didn't see or hear anything. Thankfully the floorboards didn't creak as she stood and tiptoed to the living room as stealthily as she could manage.

Sara never heard it as she was blasting electronica in her room and Fuminori wasn't home, having said something about "scoring fat J's and the Die Hard DVDs".

Near the front door opposite of Rick, his tall roommate crept out of the second hallway connecting to their living room. Saya's face read confusion and fear as she cast a disturbed glance at him.

"What was that?" she whispered.

Rick shrugged and pointed at the closet, making an 'I don't know' motion with his hands.

Saya slid up to the door and listened closely, hearing faint fumbling. Her eyes widened and swivelled to Rick.

Loud music didn't stop blaring from the back of the house.

Rick rolled closer, eyebrows knit together, straining to hear anything inside over the background music. "Do you think someone's in there?" he mouthed at his friend.

Saya was quite good at reading lips and nodded her head vigorously, being the anxiety-driven person she was. "Call the police!" she hissed at him. His heart rate continued to climb. He always let her rile him up too much.

Rick frowned deeper and pressed his ear to the door. _Nothing. _Just as he was about to give up and tell her she was letting her paranoia get the better of her again, another bang sounded. He jumped out of his chair sending it flying backwards and Saya jerked back with a hand fastened over her mouth.

"Oh my god, is someone in there?" Rick blurted out, reaching for the doorknob, only to shout in pain and wrench his hand back. The two roommates stared at each other for an unbelieving moment as blisters puffed up over a large portion of his hand. "Is something on fire in the closet!?" He failed to see Saya start moving slowly until she was backed against the wall she had come from, white as a ghost.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!" came very clearly from the closet, foreign and hardly understandable. Things started smashing inside. At this, Rick started backing further down the hallway, wanting to get to the kitchen to grab the phone to dial 911. This was _really_ happening; for once Saya was right. His heart rate had to be 180 or more now. All the windows and doors were locked as far as he knew.

Unfortunately, Rick did not make it. His back hit a solid presence. There was breathing against his neck (he'd not in his life met a person taller than himself). It was only then he noticed Saya's utterly terrified expression, her light blue-grey eyes as wide and glassy as he'd ever seen them. The violently shaking hand not clenched over her face was pointing at him, at what was _behind_ him.

"Are you responsible for this?"

Thanks to her expression and the new voice, Rick did not want to turn around.

Morbid fascination got the better of him.

Slowly, Rick turned.

It was through absolute force of will that he didn't keel over from a heart attack. He was looking down the nose of a guy with more piercings than Fuminori and ripple patterned purple eyes. The shock of bright orange hair and black piercings made the pale man look dead. That and the man wasn't blinking at all. He was easily the most intimidating person Rick had ever and would ever see.

"SERIOUSLY, LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKS! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" The ruckus in the closet got louder. Rick's brain decided to join in with a helpful translation tidbit that that last part had very obviously said 'kill you all'.

"Um, how about no," he responded automatically, taking a tiny step away.

Purple Eyes decided no dice and grabbed his neck so hard he thought it would break. Saya screamed at this, high and piercing. "Holy lord," Rick wheezed in total shock, barely able to breathe. His vision wavered. He heard a door slam open and the sound of running feet. The music had stopped. Oh god no, he couldn't let the psycho out here and the murderer in the closet kill his friends!

"Answer me." The frightening man spoke again, squeezing harder. The language was familiar but what? He couldn't concentrate enough to understand. This could potentially save their lives and he couldn't place it. _I'm so useless_, was all he could think as he started to faint.

"Get wrecked!" A high-pitched feminine battle-cry rang out and wood shattered over Purple Eyes' head. This appeared to surprise him greatly. Rick dropped, coughing and spluttering, breathing in big gulps of air, trying to get on his feet fast enough to help Sara. The thin brunette woman had thrown away a wooden bat handle and was now brandishing an aluminium one, winding up for another strike.

Purple Eyes did not like this at all. He spun on his heel and raised his right arm – _so so fast_, it took Rick's eyes precious wasted seconds to see – palm outstretched at Sara and simply said, "Shinra Tensei." She flinched.

Nothing happened.

If possible, Purple Eyes now looked more surprised than before (he seemed to have a very limited amount of small expressions). It seemed the man fully expected to not take the hit from Sara so much that he'd outright ignored her and now whatever 'Shinra Tensei' was supposed to do didn't work.

The next few seconds happened in slow motion and were slightly hilarious. The grin that graced Sara's face was pure evil as she cracked Purple Eyes across the temple as hard as she could. Rick didn't think her small frame could hit with such strength. Purple Eyes keeled over backwards and slammed into the ground where he stayed. His eyes remained wide open, staring vacantly at the ceiling.

"That's what I do to no-class asshole HOME-INVADERS!" Sara crowed victoriously.

"Leader? Is that you? The fuck's going on here? Who are these whores? Get me out of here, seriously!" The slamming on the closet walls lessened. Really, how had they not broken yet? The person inside settled ever so slightly. Detachedly, Rick wondered if someone might have already called the cops on a noise complaint. Not that it would matter now because some weirdo just assaulted him in his own house and was now possibly dead.

Now what to do with the guy in the closet who was repeatedly shouting a word he couldn't quite pin down? "LeaderLeaderLeader answer me YOU BITCH!"

Saya remained flat to the opposite wall slumped over, breathing harshly, and generally looking like a complete mess. At least she was alright. Sara seemed alright too, if not downright triumphant.

Rick toed the body at his feet. It didn't move or otherwise give any indications of life. Rick never believed he would be sighing in relief at the sight of a dead body, let alone one his roommate killed. Suddenly it hit him; they were speaking Japanese! "Oh thank god," he said aloud, moving for Saya. "Your dad is Japanese right?"

"Half," the blonde woman replied in an empty tone (Yeah Rick needed to get her Ativan), eyes sightless. "How do you think I ended up with _my_ name looking like this? A blonde haired, blue eyed, mostly white woman?" She started hiccup-laughing at this. Oh this wasn't good; she was gonna lose it in the next few minutes if he didn't get the Ativan. Christ, he needed his heart medication.

Sara walked over after finishing her inspection of the downed man, still gripping the bat with white knuckles. "Babe? You going to be okay? I'll watch her, you call 911," she told Rick.

"I'm on it," Rick replied, stopping to tentatively touch the closet door to make sure it was locked. It wasn't hot anymore.

"Hey fuckhead! Let me out!" the guy inside said.

Oh shit. "Um," Rick fumbled. No way was he letting this crazy man out unless he could get a guarantee of safety. Not at all proficient with Japanese the way he was with French, Rick countered with, "I let you out, we friends?"

Closet-guy exploded. "FUCK NO! Are you with Tobi? Is that retard out there? Jashin-sama what have I done to deserve this…" He made a noise that sounded like gagging.

Rick wasn't quite sure what he'd said due to how fast he was speaking. 'Fuck' and 'no' were obvious but the rest was like garbled gibberish. Tobi and Jashin had to be names. A chill ran down his spine. What if these guys had friends looking for them? _Oh shit times two, Sara just offed one!_ He amended his question. "I let you out, you no kill?"

Closet-guy went quiet for a bit over this. Then he spoke, "Haha, you know what? Yeah, me no kill. Don't even fucking worry about it, dipshit." The sarcasm was so heavy in his voice not even a wall of bricks would've missed it.

"Not dumb," Rick huffed and sprinted to retrieve the phone. The ensuing extremely naughty-worded tirade that began behind him would have been funny in any other circumstance.

He was almost in the kitchen when he heard a masculine voice say, "You like these girls alive? I'd suggest telling me what you did to Leader. I'll kill them at any moment."

Rick whirled around and standing there was a _blue_ man with a giant bandaged…_thing?_ (Rick's mind dry-fired a bit on this one) on a gold scaled hilt tipped with a little skull. What the actual fuck? No, you know what, save the actual fuck, because beside him stood a venus fly trap-person-thing, half of him black with no face except for one perfectly round yellow eye, the other half white with a face that was for some godforsaken reason smiling at him. Sara didn't know what to do; she hadn't even known they were there.

Rick was pretty sure they'd just appeared out of thin air because apparently that was the going thing nowadays. They were standing in the slight foyer at the front door so she wouldn't have been able to anticipate them at all had the blue one not spoken. Saya was curled into a ball, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Fucking finally! Kisame let me out of this SHITHOLE!" Closet-guy howled and started to _scratch_ the inside of his prison. It sounded painful as anything. All three – _Normal people? _his mind supplied – shuddered at the sound.

"It's fine Hidan, we've got this under control." Wow, his teeth were all sharp. Oh sweet Jesus! This was coming to an end one way or another.

Presumably the blue-skinned man was called Kisame and the one in the closet Hidan, so Rick decided to try and reason with Kisame, preferably before he fainted because he could feel it coming. It was much easier to understand him since he was speaking in a calm, creepily steady tone (he also wasn't screeching intermittently throughout his sentences like Hidan).

Rick pointed at Purple Eyes on the ground. "He attack, not sure what do, accident?" He tried to lie his ass off, voice shaking, nearly hyperventilating, and judging from the look of 'WHY GOD' on Sara's face he'd failed completely even though she couldn't understand a word.

It was confirmed when the plant-man started laughing at him and Kisame sort of raised his eyebrows in a way that said 'Uh-huh. Right.'

"The truth," Kisame stated wryly.

"I-i-is t-truth!" Rick protested, stuttering badly.

Plant-man was still laughing at him when another voice said, "**This is one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen**."

That was all it took. Two voices from plant-man's body and Rick was down, passed straight out, sincerely unable to handle anymore weirdness.

"Somebody let me out! You guys are rancid DICKS!"

* * *

Sara and Saya both stared in mute horror at the unconscious Rick. Kisame turned to approach them, springing Sara into action. She rounded the corner and tried to swing her bat at his face but he was too tall for her. Her arc missed by a long shot as he side-stepped it and effortlessly picked her up by the front of her shirt. He discarded her weapon and threw her against the wall hard enough to damage it. Sara slid down, winded but still conscious enough to glare hatefully at him. Kisame levelled Samehada at her face. The dark-haired woman protested, trying to shove the sword away. It didn't react at all. He frowned at this. Zetsu was trying to haul a ragdoll Pain to his feet with some difficulty.

"My, my, I can't tell if you're more brave than you are stupid. I'm the Monster of the Hidden Mist, don't you know? Are you that eager to die?" he asked her with a predatory sneer.

"I have no idea what the fuck you're saying! Stop pushing this thing in my face! What do you think this is, our third date?!" Sara shouted at him, attempting to rise from her prone state.

Kisame braced his foot against her chest and unwrapped the tip of Samehada, uncaring that she struggled to breathe. "There are many other ways to get information out of someone." He grinned at her paling face as the shiny sharp scales were unveiled.

"What language are they speaking?" White Zetsu asked as he managed to get Pain standing upright albeit still unconscious or whatever it was that was wrong with him. Zetsu held onto his shoulders to keep him standing.

"**Looks like he got cold-clocked by some little girls and a pansy**," the black half sniffed in distaste.

"Hmm, I don't think they could do that to Leader so easily," his other half mused. "Kisame, do you recognize what they're saying? **How did we get here?**"

However, the swordsman did not get to respond as the tiny hallway adjacent to them literally exploded with people, 'poof' sound effects included. Both women shrieked. This startled Zetsu into dropping Pain who fell on top of Rick with a thud and Kisame into jamming his sword through the wall. Sara dodged with lightning speed to avoid having her face smashed in.

The six new, freshly poofed into existence Akatsuki members, twisted painfully into strange positions, immediately began swearing and attempting to claw their way out of the tangled cluster of bodies loudly which prompted Hidan to renew his efforts at escape (brutal cursing and threats included).

"Oi, let me down, why am I up here—who's groping my ass, un?!"

"…Me."

"Oh." An awkward cough that sounded like 'nice' followed.

"Sasori no Danna, I think your tail is poking me!"

"Stop copying what I say you little shit! I hope you get poisoned and die, un!"

"Itachi! Stop waving that kunai in my face! I'll make you regret it."

"You tell him, Danna!"

"What Deidara-san said! But please don't kill Itachi-san, I like him."

"SHUT UP TOBI!"

"Where is this?"

"You can say that casually because you're not the one stuck at the bottom! All of you get off me right now or I WILL EVISCERATE YOU!"

Naturally, it was at this supremely unfortunate moment that someone kicked the front door in while screaming at the top of their lungs: "PIZZA!" The brute force of the door slammed Kisame into the wall and Sara's skull into his crotch. This caused the Akatsuki man-pile to react violently on reflex to escape a possibly deadly situation. They succeeded in only flattening Kakuzu further into the floor and Deidara into the ceiling. Itachi managed to get half-way out from between Sasori and Tobi, legs remaining trapped.

The fourth resident of 13c, Fuminori, with glorious fire-engine red hair and enough piercings to rival Pain, stepped inside the house carrying a large pizza box. Several buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken balancing on top completed the image.

"I couldn't find any Die Hard movies but I got Armageddon and all this other shit! You down?"

Between his KFC he spotted the stunned Zetsu, the only one visible from his position. "Guys?" he called, raising an eyebrow at the random man in his home. "Why is there a cosplayer in our house?" Frantic struggling noises caught his attention. Fuminori put the food down and looked around the corner, totally missing Kisame and Sara squished behind the still open front door. "Uh?" He exclaimed at the sight before him, a mess of people in black cloaks with red clouds adorning them. Itachi continued to stick out upside-down comically.

"What's with all the Narutards? I didn't know you guys liked Naruto!"

Zetsu was about ready to give up. "**Shiro, I think we're screwed.** I think you're right. We should free Hidan…"

"About goddamn time!" Glass shattered inside the closet. "Oh shit," Hidan said blandly. "Is that a door?"

"**You're an idiot.**"

* * *

"They even sound like the real characters! This is so cool!" Fuminori's eyes may as well have been glittering.

"F-Fuminori?"

The redhead looked down. His eyes widened. "Holy shit! Girly, are you okay? I didn't even notice you there!" He pulled her up into his arms in a hug. "What's going on? What's wrong?"

Saya looked at him in disbelief, shaking. "T-these people! They j-just appeared out of nowhere!"

"What? That doesn't make any sense. These aren't anyone's friends?"

"No! Look, Rick's passed out over there! I think you hit Sara with the door. She beat up that guy with orange hair! He looks like you, it's creepy!" The blonde woman tightened her hug on him fiercely. "Please don't do anything stupid, I don't want you to get hurt too!"

Fuminori chanced a look back to the door and sure enough there was Sara on the floor and wow, that Kisame cosplayer looked pretty authentic. So did the Zetsu cosplayer – the plant around him actually closed when Fuminori turned to gawk at him. In fact all of them did. What the hell? No, there was no way this was possible. It simply didn't happen. Fictional characters were fictional for a reason. Masashi Kishimoto wrote the manga! Chapter 593 was supposed to come out this week!

"Oh man," Fuminori said with dread and a smidge of anticipation, "this is just like one of my fanfictions."

* * *

**A/N:** **Some edits; **Changed the last line here because I figured it might be offensive to some or imply my writing is bad. :p I also came to the realization that Hidan was recruited after Deidara. I honestly can't fix that without rewriting the first few paragraphs, agh. I'm going to try to figure something out...

**Preliminaries**: Viehsville does not exist. Most of the locations will be made up by me unless I have actually been to them. Yes, all four OCs' names are tributes to other fandoms. I realize there is **a lot** of swearing and I'm going to try to cut it down but it's hard when half of the OCs plus Hidan and occasionally others do it. Black Zetsu is essentially calling White Zetsu "White" (Shiro – White, Kuro – Black). They will refer to each other as such when not talking as one in this fic.

I realize I didn't put too much info on the Roommates into this chapter and I hope that didn't turn people completely off of them. You will learn about them in more detail next. I hope they end up surprising you by not being typical Akatsuki friends/romance at the start (not that I find anything wrong with those fics, I have enjoyed many but it is not my style). If there is any romance it won't be for a while.

Any questions people have will likely be answered in the next one or two chapters, i.e. why did Pain get owned so easily, etc. There's definitely some clues.

If I get something wrong by way of an event, jutsu, or characterization, feel free to PM me about fixing it. Please keep in mind it's still a humor fic and I want to explore their characters as more than just the villains we see in the manga. It's been a little bit since I sat down and read the whole series over again.


	2. Akatsuki Shenanigan Central

**A/N: **Fixed some punctuation and repetitive wording in both chapters. I'd like to think it's a little easier to read now.

* * *

**Alternate Realities Suck, Seriously**

**13c becomes Akatsuki shenanigan central**

* * *

Konan was the first to slide out gracefully from underneath Deidara. Her elegant face contorted as her eyes fell upon Pain lying unconscious with an unidentified man on the floor. Itachi stabbed his kunai into the hardwood and with a completely emotionless face, stuck his arms out at her in the universal kid way of 'pull me out'. She stared for a moment, then sighed and grabbed his hands. It took a little more effort than usual, strangely enough.

Once free, Itachi jumped to his feet, keeping his weapon at the ready. "Where are we?" His Sharingan spun dangerously.

With Itachi and Konan free, the pressure of the dog-pile was loosened enough so that Deidara could roll off the top. "Why the hell were we stuck in this tiny space, un?" the blond bomber demanded just as Kakuzu had enough and toppled the remaining men back onto him.

Kakuzu got to his feet and cracked his neck. "Augh! You JACKASS!" Deidara's complaint was stifled beneath Sasori and Tobi. Both were quick to regain their bearings, standing alongside the seething ex-Taki shinobi.

"Shut it, brat," Kakuzu growled, fixing his skewed mask. "What is this place? Sasori, why do I have _splinters_?"

"We aren't sure," Zetsu answered, going to the closet to let Hidan out. "**Leader was like that when we arrived,**" the duo-toned man inclined his head to the body at his feet. "This fellow passed out shortly into our questioning. **He could barely speak our language.** The others seem to understand less. We don't remember how we got here. **Kisame is injured.**" Black Zetsu's tone could have been considered amused.

"Oh god," came Kisame's pained groan, voice an octave higher than usual.

"And how did Kisame come to be trapped behind a door?" Sasori asked dryly.

"I'll get it!" Tobi cried out excitedly, running to the door and shutting it. "Oh my," he said in an embarrassed tone upon spotting a woman between Kisame's legs. Konan had to do a double take. Itachi's eyebrow quirked in the most minuscule way. Her hands were pounding violently on his thighs.

Tobi's hand covered his mask where his mouth would have been. "Should we give you some privacy, Kisame-san?" he asked politely.

"With a woman trapped between his legs," Sasori added. They could clearly hear said woman's muffled shrieking. Deidara, still on the floor, poked his head around the corner pushing hair out of the way of his scope.

"No!" Kisame exclaimed, mortified. This feeling only intensified when he heard the clicking of Deidara zooming in his scope. "What is wrong with you!" He backed away from the woman, who began heaving for breath and coughing.

"Trying to see if she's ugly, un." One of the mouths on his hands was chewing clay.

"_That_ would be your first priority," his partner condescended.

"What the fuck did I just walk in on?" Hidan sounded both incredibly pissed off and astonished. "Man, was she sucking you off?"

Kisame buried his flushing face in his hands. "No, goddamnit! You're all perverts!"

"No, Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi interjected quickly.

"Who are these people?" Konan's voice, smooth and deadly, got all of their attention. The group looked to each unknown person in turn.

The man on the floor was very tall, taller than both Kakuzu and Kisame. What he lacked that they had however was any sort of muscle. He was as skinny with long lanky limbs as he was tall. His hair was a chestnut brown and shaggy as anything. His face was quite angular with high cheekbones. He was so pasty and boney; he looked nearly gaunt in his appearance. He would be easy to control, that much was obvious.

The second man was also of decent stature but nowhere near the height of the fainted one. He was broader and lean with muscle. He would be able to move fast. Spiky vivid red hair was swept back to the base of his neck. He had ten facial piercings, three in his lip, three in each eyebrow, and one dangling from his nose. His tanned face and brown eyes were round, expression insolent. The colour of his skin and hair both looked artificial. His knuckles were scarred and rough, likely a fighter. He would be more difficult to control but by the way he held the woman in his arms, all they would need to do so would be her.

She was about as tall as the man embracing her with light blue eyes and streaked blonde hair framing her pale oval face. The haircut was strange, shaved on the left side and longer on the right and in the bangs. It hid one of her eyes. Her form was mostly obscured by baggy clothing making it impossible to tell what kind of body type she had but her thin weak looking wrists and ankles were telling; she would be unable to move or fight as her protector would. She looked pathetic too, shaking and on the verge of crying. Overall she was a laughably easy target.

The woman rising to her feet in front of Kisame was petite. Everything about her except the full lengthy ponytail of ash brown hair was small. Her skin was olive-toned, her eyes green and positively enraged, what would have been a dainty face curled into an animalistic snarl. No muscle was visible initially but as she tensed they rippled under her skin. Hers was not the body of a fighter, more of a performer, likely dancer from the way she moved. She looked deceptively weak but could be slippery to handle. She could have passed as a Kumo kunoichi with little difficulty.

Kakuzu stepped to them first, sneering at them hatefully in front of Konan. "Your names—now or you're dead. I'll probably kill you anyway." His hands clenched into fists.

"Are you a fuckwit or what Kakuzu? Didn't you hear Zetsu? They can't speak our language. Idiot."

Kakuzu turned slow to snarl at Hidan. "I'm going to rip your throat out, you disrespectful little bitch."

The Jashinist opened his arms wide in a 'come at me' stance and stated, "I only see one bitch here stitch-face and it's not one of these whores."

"That's enough!" Konan hissed coldy, standing between the Zombie Duo as they prepared to lunge at each other. "I am fully aware of the thing you say about me. Would you care to find out if it's true?" Both men backed down somewhat at this. Every member of the Akatsuki had at one point joked that Konan was so cold she had an ice kekkei genkai and by god would she know how to use it. Nobody questioned her authority as second in command anymore. They had all learned quickly.

Zetsu nudged the man under Pain, repeating, "This one could. **Not fully by any means.**"

"Then wake him up," she ordered. "Somebody put Leader on that chair."

Kisame shook himself out of his painful haze to haul Pain into place in a nearby recliner. He retrieved Samehada from the sizeable hole it was stuck in. "Interrogate those two?" He indicated to the redhead and the blonde.

"If they can't speak our language, it's pointless. Sasori, how long would your mind control jutsu take to become effective?" the origami master questioned.

Deidara answered for him. "No go, Konan. It's not that easy, un."

Sasori's eyes were frigid but he agreed and shook his head (Hiruko's head). "It's not feasible as Deidara says. There's no guarantee it would impart any knowledge into their minds. They don't look like shinobi. It might even kill them."

Konan gestured to the man on the floor. "Then we must wake him. I'm not willing to kill any of them just yet."

"Easy," Sasori said gruffly. He made to jab a tenketsu point at the base of the man's neck.

"No!" the redheaded man yelled, moving in front of his female companion, close enough to interfere with Sasori but still enough to protect the woman. The small one darted forward to stand next to him, equally defiant.

The tail of Hiruko snapped towards him. "It'll be a painful death for you, little man."

Tobi was swift to stand in front of them. "Wait a second Sasori no Da—"

"Tobi I swear—"

"Ehm, Sasori-san," Tobi corrected, whispering pointedly to Deidara: "Sorry Deidara-san." He laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. "Sometimes I get carried away—"

"I have no issue killing you, fool. You're not even a real Akatsuki member. What do you think you're doing?"

Tobi sagged dejectedly. He made a sad noise. "Well, Tobi just thought they might still have information. He said 'no'."

"So he did," Sasori reflected. "Itachi?"

Konan was put off by this. "Tsukuyomi on mere civilians? Unnecessary." She was more than willing to get the job done but that just seemed like overkill.

"A normal genjutsu will work all the same," Itachi said and walked over to them. He wasn't about to tell them that method would be a big waste of his sight.

The man made an angry sound and backed closer to the women. "I. Say. No."

The Uchiha stopped. "You can understand us?" he queried mildly.

The man's look of anger increased. He lowered into a fighting stance, motioning for the ladies to move away. They started saying things to him, pulling him back.

"Oh, you're straight fucked now, Red. Itachi always gets the fun!" Hidan laughed, eager to see bloodshed. "Let me do it. I wanna sacrifice these fuckers to Jashin-sama!"

"No," Itachi replied. "He will tell us." He shot forward and grabbed the redhead by the jaw, forcing him to look into his Sharingan.

The small one reacted instantly by tackling Tobi at point blank range. He squawked and stumbled, trying to peel her off. "Miss, I'd appreciate if you stopped that—ow! Miss, please don't pull my hair!" She'd gotten her legs locked around his chest and was trying to put him in some kind of chokehold.

Deidara had enough. "Why are you so freaking useless? Zetsu, why do you and Leader let this moron hang around?" He yanked the woman by her hair roughly, making her yelp in pain and release Tobi. His scarf came away with her, gripped in her hand tightly. Deidara backhanded her hard enough to make her lip split and nose bleed. He fastened her neck in the crook of his elbow and twisted the hand gripping her head. She immediately stopped struggling. "Oh so you get it, un? Your neck breaks if you screw around with me!" He shoved the green fabric in her mouth to shut her up.

"Do it anyway!" Kakuzu threw his hands up, frustrated. "Itachi, what's taking so long?"

Itachi didn't know. The tomoe in his Sharingan pulsed eerily, spinning in slow circles.

He frowned as his genjutsu didn't take effect. The man was scrambling to get purchase on Itachi's wrist, attempting to pry him off. He tried to knee Itachi, only to have his feet dropped out from under him.

"Did _the_ Uchiha Itachi just _fail_ at genjutsu, un?" Deidara was unable to contain his malicious cackle.

"It appears this man is immune," Itachi surmised, ignoring Deidara's jibe.

Hidan was on him in a second, straddling his waist. "Then this bastard is mine!" He slid one of his collapsible spears from its holster and raised it.

"Please no!" the blonde woman screamed, falling to her hands and knees, begging Hidan. "Please stop!"

Konan's sudden grip stopped him from completing the action. "No Hidan," she said, hardened amber gaze never leaving the frightened woman. "These two _can_ understand."

She couldn't say it aloud, but it unnerved her just how much this man looked like Yahiko.

* * *

Sara was beyond disgusted. First she'd been attacked in her own home and now her face was smashed into a violent stranger's crotch!

"Whattafuglemmegofugginsigazzperv!" she screeched as loud as she could, beating him with her fists. She heard Fuminori and Saya's voices in the background but it was hard to tell what they were saying over the arguing and fuss the robbers (she presumed) were making. At last, he let her go. She breathed in great gulps of air and spat the foul taste out of her mouth. "Ugh! Gross! Do you bathe?!"

Fuminori chanced a quick look to her again. "Sara, are you alright?" He didn't move from holding Saya. "I didn't mean to hit you!"

"Physically I'm banged up. Mentally I'm SCARRED. What is wrong with this guy?" It hurt to breathe. Her back and chest were killing her. She knew she'd be extremely bruised but nothing felt broken. God it had been lucky that she'd ducked the giant sword-thing sticking out of the wall next to her. "Christ, Fumi! How about you don't abuse the door next time?"

"If there is a next time," Fuminori muttered. "Look I'm gonna need you to be real careful around these people. Don't yell or attack."

Sara shot back at him: "Why_ not_?" indignant and sarcastic. She didn't move from her spot. "Rick's over there! God knows if he's having a heart attack or not! What if he's dying? We need to get him to a hospital!"

"I've got an idea who they are. If I'm right, it means they're fucked up criminals who'll murder us without restraint. I like living, so kindly don't screw this up with your rush into everything headfirst bullshit!" he berated her. "From the looks of it you already smoked the coolest one! Rick will be okay. He might be a pussy but he's stronger than you give him credit for."

"Fuminori, did you say _Naruto_?" Saya asked incredulously, probably in shock by now. "Are seriously trying to say there are anime characters in our house?"

"Actually we read the manga in highschool," he responded unhelpfully. "I still read it every week."

"_Anime characters_!" she stressed, looking to the group. They were all staring at the three intently. The hooded man with the menacing green and red eyes approached them and said something. Saya didn't recognize him. Had there ever been such a character in Naruto? They shrank back.

"What did that asshole say? He threatened us, didn't he?" Sara demanded, flexing the muscles in her legs. They didn't hurt as much as she thought they would. She stood up. Yes, she could still be speedy if the situation called for it. Years of hardcore workouts had taught her to push past the pain.

The silver-haired man said something that got his attention off of them. "How much of what they're saying can you understand?" Sara wasn't ready to believe these were, as Saya said, fictional characters come to life in her house.

Saya whimpered. "Our names, and then I think he threatened to kill us!"

"He definitely did," Fuminori confirmed. Now it appeared two of the men were going to fight. Those two were Hidan and Kakuzu, right? The blue-haired woman – _Konan_, he remembered – intervened. "I haven't spoken Japanese in over nine years but I get the shorter sentences. I didn't want to learn. My parents hated me for it. Kind of regretting it now." _Haha, awesome… _He scowled. "Girly, your grandpa and dad taught you, right? I think you've got this job."

She moaned in terror but nodded regardless. "Yeah but I've never been fluent. If it's said slowly I can translate a lot of it. Wasn't Rick learning?" She hoped to pass it off to him when he woke up. _If he wakes up. _What a horrible thought…

"He was talking to the guy in the closet and this blue asshole," Sara hissed, wanting to set the man in question on fire with the hatred in her glare. He was lugging the douchebag she knocked out over to the couch. "That wacky – I don't know, plant? It was laughing at him."

"He started learning about five months ago. He's been asking me for help with it. He's not too bad?" Saya said shakily, watching a few of them begin to crowd around Rick. "What are they doing?" She asked, fearful for him.

"Oh I don't fucking think so!" Fuminori growled. The hunchback one was going to do something to Rick, something with his neck. _That's Sasori in his puppet. He had poison, didn't he?_ While he followed the manga, it had been a long time since he'd seen any of the Akatsuki and his memory was absolute shit. _Ain't nothing like looking death in the face to realize you shouldn't have been such a retarded party animal!_

Fuminori pushed Saya behind him and leapt forward. "No!" he yelled in Japanese. Sara disregarded his previous warning and joined him.

Sasori spoke to him, irritated, _death for you_, and a metallic silver blur flew towards him. _Sara you stupid bitch, why didn't you listen to me? Now we're both dead and Girly will be alone— _But they weren't dead because another person was in front of them telling Sasori to wait. T_hey move fast! _ The tail retracted back under Sasori's cloak.

"Why did he stop?" Sara whispered to him, barely audible. "Was that a _tail_?"

"Yeah," Fuminori whispered back to her distractedly, straining to understand what they were saying. "This guy told them to stop. I think it's Tobi? Why is he with them if Sasori's alive?"

Sara narrowed her angry acidic eyes at him. "I have zero idea what you're talking about."

Sasori was telling Tobi off but they weren't exactly arguing.

Fuminori's spastic mind stopped dead as it processed 'Itachi' and 'Tsukuyomi'. "Holy mother of god Sara, I want you to back the fuck up right now! Go back to Saya right now and whatever you do don't look into this guy's eyes!"

"Why what's—"

"Right now!" She backed up.

Itachi started walking over. His eyes looked so real, nothing like the contacts he'd seen at anime conventions. They were swirling. He'd see the Mangekyō soon. He wished he would wake up and this would be some hilarious quasi-wish-fulfillment dream turned nightmare.

"I. Say. No." Fuminori snarled at him, throwing him arms out to stop them from touching the girls. Whatever good that would do. He was screwed.

"You can understand us?" Itachi stopped and asked him._ Ah balls, what did he just say? All I hear is 'you' and 'us'. Fuck this noise!_ There was no choice. Fuminori lowered into a semi-crouch, stance wide, hands curled but not quite fists. He had been in many fights in his life, most fist fights, some worse, but he couldn't say he'd ever fought an assassin before. Hidan started laughing at him, told him he was straight fucked, the rest he didn't get. Blood pounded in his ears. _I totally agree you stab-happy motherfucker!_

"No Fumi! What do you think you're doing?! You can't fight all of them!"

"Stop! No more, please, I told you not to do anything stupid!" The girls were tugging at his arms, begging him to stand down. Fuminori shook them off. He would protect Saya with his life. Not so much Sara with that shitty attitude that was going to get her killed today.

Itachi lunged at him. He was probably the same size as Fuminori but his strength was unbelievable. His grip was so jarring. Fuminori couldn't even get a proper hold on his wrist to dislodge him. The hand on his face could have broken his jaw with no effort. He was forcing him to look into his eyes. _I wonder what a genjutsu feels like!_ Fuminori tried to avoid the Sharingan. His heart had never beat so hard and fast.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sara pounce in a failed effort to knock down Tobi. Itachi wasn't having any of it and forcibly returned his gaze. He heard Sara's surprised yell of pain and someone taunting her, from the verbal tic it sounded like Deidara. All he could focus on were those damn spinning tomoe but nothing was happening. Itachi didn't stop staring at him. His eyebrows noticeably knotted and the corners of his mouth slanted down the tiniest bit.

_Oh my tits, is it not working?_ Hope burst into his heart. Without a second thought, Fuminori brought his knee up, aiming to slam it into Itachi's stomach hard enough to wind him. The shinobi was faster and promptly kicked his feet out from under him. The redhead heard Deidara insult him; it went something like "Uchiha Itachi fails at genjutsu". _Thank god, YES! _Fuminori rolled with the end goal of getting up but someone landed on him before he could even roll a second time.

Now face to face with Hidan pointing a _real_ spear at him, Fuminori wanted to completely crap himself and faint. He really couldn't fault Rick for checking out at all. _I regret a lot of stuff about my life but the worst is knowing I'm leaving Girly alone with these lunatics! _She was begging them to stop. It made him want to cry.

As Hidan brought the spear down, there was suddenly Konan who said so clearly, "No. They can understand."

Time slowed down. No way. Was this really happening? Hidan looked vengeful and unhappy. He said something nasty to her. The kunoichi glared right back at him. The man hissed curses at her and stalked away.

It didn't matter because Fuminori was alive. _Konan, I swear I will be your loyal slave-boi for all eternity!_

* * *

"Absolute fucking bullshit!" Hidan howled.

"**Oh shut up!** You're willing to kill hostages that could have vital information, Hidan?" Zetsu groused at him.

Hidan gave him the finger. "Blow me, you overgrown weed. Seriously, we only need one of these jerk-offs and you keep saying how this one," he kicked Rick. "Can talk to us. So you know what? Fuck the rest!"

"I can see why Kakuzu's always saying you're going to get yourself killed," Sasori commented. Kakuzu grunted in agreement.

"Fuck all of you! I don't know why I joined this shitty organization! It's bad for my religion!" Hidan exclaimed, jamming his spear into the floor. He pointed with venom at the unconscious Pain. "Fuck you Leader! I should have sacrificed your ass a long time ago!" A scent drifted to his nose, not entirely unpleasant. _Huh? What's this shit?_ Hidan walked over to the table Fuminori had left his hoard on. He picked up the DVD case on top. The yellow case was the size of a book with three people on the front, two men and a woman with writing he couldn't read. Below the people's faces was a metal contraption spewing jets of fire. It looked like something out of one those crappy alien films Deidara so enjoyed but thought no one knew about. Oh did Hidan ever know; he was just waiting to spring the blackmail on the girly asshole when the time came. His _precious_ Sasori no Danna would think it was ever _so_ inartistic. The thought made him grin in evil spite.

Hidan opened the case after shaking it. Inside was a CD. "What the shit, this is high-tech. Just where are we?"

Kisame returned from mapping out the house. "Is that a CD?" He whistled. "I heard Kiri designed something like this to replace cassettes but the prototype kept failing because of the wet climate. Does it work?"

"No fucking idea," Hidan replied. "Where do you stick one of these?" Kakuzu mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Your mother". The Jashinist shot him a withering glare, not that the son of a bitch noticed. He was reclining near Pain on one of the three small couches, apparently having relegated all other tasks to the rest of Akatsuki. He was "guarding" Leader. Lazy prick.

"What's this? Smells strange." Kisame took the top off one of the KFC buckets. He grimaced. "That is the greasiest thing I have ever seen."

Hidan grabbed a piece and started tearing into it. "Great, I'm fucking starving! This shit's not half bad." He picked up the pizza box with one hand and the buckets with the other, joining Kakuzu in the living room. If stitch-bitch got to dick around, then he was going to as well.

"You wake up in an unknown place and your first instinct is to eat possibly poisoned food?" Kisame was disgusted. The sheer amount of grease dripping down Hidan's hands was awe-inducing.

"I'm immortal, fishfuck. Why should I care?" He opened the box and ripped the giant pizza in half, further adding to Kisame's disgust.

Kakuzu was now staring in morbid curiosity. "These people eat this? How are they not dead? Ugh, I bet their hearts aren't even worth harvesting." It was repulsive.

Back in the hallway entry, Konan stood in front of Fuminori and Saya. Zetsu and Sasori watched on. Deidara continued to restrain the squirming Sara. The mouth on his hand was licking her hair. Tobi poked her face (in actuality he was using his Sharingan on her but standing at such an angle that neither she nor Deidara noticed). Itachi met her eyes from his spot beside Sasori. He had an inkling as to what was going on here. Sara tried to tear away her gaze from his per Fuminori's earlier instructions and found she couldn't.

"Why shouldn't we kill you?" Konan asked slowly, enunciating everything she said. "You harmed our Leader."

The two of them scrabbled for words, gesturing wildly with their hands at her, then each other. "They're going to kill us for hurting that man!" Saya hissed to Fuminori in English. They were going to stick with it when speaking to each other.

"I don't think they'll waste us just yet. Who else in this city is going to take them seriously? They know fuck-all about our culture and technology. I'm willing to bet bullets will work on them. Apologize. We have no choice but to do whatever the ass they say." He eyed Sara with a calculated look. "Sara did it for sure?"

"Yes but he attacked Rick first. Why are you so certain they're the real deal? They could be psychos in costumes!"

"Really? Psychos in costumes who appeared out of thin fucking air who maybe _juuuust_ happen to be identical to a certain criminal organization in Naruto? With super-human powers? _Really?_" Fuminori sighed exasperatedly. "Just tell them we're sorry. I have an idea."

Saya shook her head slightly, skeptical, and spoke, "We are sorry." She bowed her head. The words were clumsy, some mispronounced. "He attack us-"

Fuminori interrupted her. "She did it." He jerked his head up at Sara. He was on his hands and knees like Saya now.

Sasori chuckled in amusement. "He's selling this one out? He's stupid if he thinks that will save him."

"Kill her?" Deidara grinned. Clay ready for use slipped into the hand not on her head. He had a sublime idea for her death.

"No!" Saya protested, stopping being frightened to death long enough to send a searing glare at Fuminori. "It was- was…"

Fuminori smacked a fist into his palm when the word came to him. "Self-defense. She still did it," he reiterated.

"Please no kill her!" the blonde woman begged, tearfully looking to Konan. "Fuminori, you traitor! Are you trying to get her killed?"

Konan's stony expression did not change. "I will deal with her," she said with an air of finality. "Speak only to me. You will cease that language when we directly address you."

Saya gave her hasty confirmations and apologies. "Don't speak in English when she's talking to us," she whispered urgently to Fuminori. He cast her a fleeting worried look. Communicating with their eyes had never worked well and the hand signing they'd made up in highschool had gone too long unpractised. Konan would notice it straight away anyway. The best friends had no choice but to stop.

Abruptly, Pain sat up at a 90° angle, wasting no time proclaiming "I am Pain. I am God." like a computer recovering from a hardboot. Konan was at his side in an instant. Itachi didn't move from his spot. He deactivated his Sharingan for the time being. He needed a little more evidence. It would become clear soon.

"Naga- Leader, what happened to you?" Konan corrected herself. He didn't like being referred to with his real name when the others were present.

Hearing her, Pain's Rinnegan snapped to the far left and then to the right where they stayed, drilling holes into Sara. Blood drained from her face. A dead man had just come back to life in front of her.

"If you're going to kill her, at least say something so I can move out of the way, yeah?" Deidara's hold on her loosened as he prepared to throw himself out of the line of fire. You didn't want to get between Leader and his prey. Still oblivious, his hand-mouth continued licking her hair. It was a tangled saliva coated mess. If anyone happened to look, this strange occurrence was fully visible.

Pain was very rarely without an answer but in what way could he respond to this; that some unskilled civilian had bested him, a god, and the successor of Rikudō Sennin? That he'd failed with Shinra Tensei in the most humiliating way possible? To admit this in front of all his subordinates?

Nope.

He evaded the question completely. "This place, where is it? Who are these people? Have you gone through standard protocol?"

"They're all alive so what the fuck do you think, genius?" Hidan asked rhetorically in as rude a manner as possible.

"I was only beginning to interrogate them when you awoke." Konan swept her hand at the two kneeling submissively on the floor. "They haven't divulged any relevant information yet."

Pain's eyes fell to them, still somewhat disoriented. "Have they informed you of what transpired here? Were we summoned by them?" That would make them far more than simple civilians. That would be powerful knowledge to have. "Do any of you have any unknown seals or tags on you?" They checked themselves over and responded in the negative.

"That kind of thing would explain why none of us can remember how we got here but to cause such acute short-term memory loss, the summoning would have to have been over an extremely vast expanse," Sasori gave his opinion, "an absolutely incredible amount."

"Well let's ask them!" Tobi patted Sara's cheek, tugging a little forlornly at his scarf and in one hop, was down in a crouch in front of Saya and Fuminori. Saya squeaked softly and hid herself behind Fuminori at his action. "Did you summon us?" They were confused by Tobi's cheerful demeanour. He cocked his head at them when they didn't reply.

"You have to talk to them like they're fucking retarded," Hidan said between devouring bites of pizza.

Tobi's head perked up. "Like how you talk to me! Okay! Did…you…summon…us?"

"I feel like some kind of dipshit tourist," Fuminori grumbled. "That second last word, is that assemble? Did we assemble them? Call them?"

"No." Saya peeked out at the man in the strange swirly orange mask. It only had one eye-hole. "He's asking if we summoned them."

"Oh shit, like the summoning technique? Like what Nar—" Fuminori stopped himself. When in a calm enough state of mind he had an excellent sense of self-preservation. He couldn't keep repeating Naruto or things pertaining to it (especially in Japanese, he was a purist like that). Damn, they would be in more trouble than they were currently if any of the Akatsuki had heard them say it earlier. "Like what our orange foxy friend learned to do with a certain member of a certain legendary group of three?" He hoped Saya would get what he was doing.

She caught on right away. The Sannin Showdown had been one of the most memorable events in the manga to her and had looked epic when animated, some of the only episodes she'd watched. "I think I know what you're talking about. These aren't giant talking animals though. How could we possibly summon fictional—"

"Not so fictional."

"Still, how could we have summoned people? Rick and Sara don't know anything about the adventures of our orange foxy friend! You didn't try, did you? Please tell me you didn't!"

"What? No, of course not! Okay, so _maybe_ I did when I was twelve but come on, they weren't even written yet—"

"I don't need to understand them to know they're plotting," Kakuzu broke in, glower fixated dangerously on them.

Saya went back into panic mode. "No! We try to help!" To Tobi she said, "We not summon, not know how."

Pain stood up and used the ominous badass tone that never failed to get results. "Yet you know what summoning is." He'd shaken off being incapacitated by a mere girl. That was going into the 'repressed memories' category of his mind. His steps to come before them were slow, measured and deliberate, designed to incite as much fear as possible. It was certainly working on the woman in Deidara's hold. She was sweating and her eyes were bulging out of their sockets. Her head shook 'no' back and forth, unintelligible fearful noises coming through the gag. There wasn't much Sara could do unless she wanted the bomber to snap her neck. Rock, meet hard place.

The second woman was aghast and awed by him.

It wasn't working on the red-haired one.

"Ohmygodohmygod, it'ssssPaaaaiiin! He's soooo cooooool!" Fuminori squealed, eyes going sparkly, all traces of manliness utterly obliterated in the face of his hero. Unable to resist seeing his favourite character come to life, his irrational rabid fanboyism kicked in over his rational desire to live.

Saya couldn't believe what she was seeing. "Fumi! Are you crazy?! He might kill us and all you can think is 'he's cool'? Get it together!"

"What…is…he…saying?" Tobi chirped, popping his head over Fuminori's shoulder to ask Saya. She made an alarmed sound and ducked further down her friend's back.

Deidara snerked derisively at this, "Oi Tobi, you're scaring her, un! Better not take off your mask!"

Saya looked up to Deidara as he spoke and froze, staring at him in unadulterated horror. There was a mouth. On his hand. Licking Sara's head. Sara met her eyes, fear leaving them briefly for a look of 'what?' to flash by.

MOUTH. ON HAND. LICKING!

"Aw, Deidara-san!" Tobi giggled, clasping his hands together. "I think she likes you!"

Deidara smirked. The ladies couldn't resist him, naturally. "Like what you see, girl?"

It kept on licking her roommate's hair obscenely.

Saya opened her mouth and screamed as long and loud as her lungs would allow. She sprang to her feet and ran to her room so fast that no one was able to catch her, shrieking and sobbing bloody murder all the way. Deidara's jaw dropped, gawking at where she'd been kneeling. Everyone was speechless. In the silence, there was the sound of a door slamming and locking. Nobody moved. Itachi remained deep in thought, unfazed by any of the ridiculousness.

Kisame said, after a while, long and drawn out, "Ouuuuuch." His shoulders shook in a poor attempt not to laugh. He knew what it was like to have a woman terrified of him.

Hidan wasn't that nice. He burst into insane, raucous laughter. "Are you shitting me! Ahahahaha! Out of all the freaks in this room and she's screaming at him! Fuck _YES_! Ahahahaha!"

"Oh," Tobi said awkwardly, "I'm sorry Deidara-san, I was wrong. I don't think she likes you very much." Deidara went red at this. He closed his mouth and opened it again, eyes wide, shocked expression glued to his face.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Women." He went back to exploring the technology with Kisame.

Sasori was chortling to himself. "This reminds me of that one time in Kumo—"

Deidara snapped out of it. "DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT, DANNA!" He was furious. Women _never_ reacted like that to him (well really, except for that one unmentionable time in Kumo)! What was this bitch's problem?

Zetsu coughed, covering up his white half's errant snickers. "**If you're all quite finished?** She was the best translator."

"This man will do." Konan snapped her fingers to get Fuminori's attention. Rick was all but forgotten at this point. "You!"

The redhead semi came out of his idol-worshipping trance. "Yeah?" he replied, hearts still swimming in his eyes as he gazed lovingly at Pain. It was unbelievably creepy.

"Can you translate?" Konan wanted to ask in Leader's stead as it was clear this guy was really distracted by him. Hidan was still too busy laughing to call him gay.

This brought Fuminori back down to Earth. Somewhat. Not really. He continued to simper in Pain's direction, not caring that the other man didn't spare him a second glance (if he had of, he would have noticed their uncanny resemblance). "Uh, no good like Saya," he said dreamily.

Pain growled inaudibly under his breath. How many more interruptions would there be before he got some answers? He was not going to let any of the subdued hostages go to retrieve the woman. She was obviously the type that scared easily. Who among them was the least imposing? Itachi – for the simple fact that he looked the most normal – was the prime candidate but he suspected a man would frighten her more and he needed her coherent. While Konan was a woman she was still intimidating. That only left him with one option. Sigh. He hoped he would keep in silly character.

"Tobi!" Pain commanded imperiously.

Tobi shot to his feet and saluted. "Yes, Leader!"

"Go bring that woman back here immediately."

He saluted again. "Yes Pain-sama, right away! I'm on it!"

This broke Fuminori out of his fangasm. He tore his eyes off Pain. "Awwww no," he groaned, watching the masked man happily flounce down the hallway. Fuminori remembered that wasn't Tobi's actual personality. "This is not good."

* * *

**A/N: **Poor Deidara, lol. Would like to point out he's not saying he knows what Tobi looks like under his mask, just making fun of him. What do we think Tobi's going to do to Saya, haha? I'm so mean to my characters, I'll tell you that right now.

Once again I will reiterate: there are **no** pairings at the moment. What happened in this chapter does not automatically mean ZOMG Fumi/Konan or Fumi/Pain.

So I've tried to merge the POVs. Hopefully it's not too confusing. I feel like I can't write action or panic scenes at all. The answers I was thinking were going to be in this chapter ended up being pushed into next. Itachi's got an idea. Rick's not dead. I don't think I managed to decrease the swearing.

Oy vey…was it at least readable and somewhat entertaining?


End file.
